Transparency

Transparency...What is that exactly? The dictionary definition is this: The quality or state of being transparent, like glass. But what does transparent mean? One definition says honest and open, not secretive. I really like this definition.

About 10 years ago, God made it clear to me that I needed to be more transparent. I had been very attacked by the lies from Satan that what I saw on the outside of other women was exactly how they were. Through lots of quiet time and growth with God, He revealed to me that they were very much like me. Dealing with lots of laundry and dishes, dirty houses, cranky toddlers, and sibling fights. Marriage issues, friend issues, emotional issues etc. Since then, while I have tried to maintain that transparency, it is still very difficult to do so without looking like I am whining and have an awful life. Trying to find that balance with social media is very hard. Being positive and uplifting while being transparent.

My point to you is this, while you may not see on social media what people deal with behind the scenes, this does not mean that they don't have daily struggles. Our family has been blessed beyond belief in so many ways. But what you may not always see is the struggles we go through. Those closest to us may know what we have struggled with and what we have been through. We have an amazing life. Notice I said amazing not "easy". Nothing worth having in life comes easy. You have to work at it. There will be
struggles and roadblocks, heck sometimes boulders and mountains along the way! Those struggles, pitfalls, and stormy paths make us who we are. They define who we are and where we have come from.

Who I am, I am a woman of God. I am a daughter of a King. I am a mom, a wife, and a friend. I am a prayer warrior. I will and have stormed the gates of Hell for anyone in need of prayer and strength. I will and have stood in the gap for friends and family members that were unable to do so for themselves in their time of need. I have had friends stand in the gap for me when I was unable to do so for myself. This is how it works.  This is our real life. These are our choices.

I am also a successful business woman. I am an entrepreneur who has worked very hard to get where I am. I have dealt with loss of friendships and relationships and I am still standing. I see the bigger picture. I know what is at stake for my family. I know that because of my choices there are several other families getting to experience a better life. This keeps me going. Yes my family still struggles with day to day issues. My husband and I have our moments. Our kids are NOT perfect. Life is hard. Success doesn't make it easier. The desire to be better does. The desire to stand in the gap for God's plan for us does. What is His plan for you? Who needs you to stand in the gap for them right now?

Who I Am

I am not perfect.
I am a child of God.
I get mad at my kids.
I don't always speak kindly to my husband.
While I have every good intention of teaching my children good, Godly principles, I fall short.
My kids do not wake up and recite scripture.
Lately it takes everything I have to get to church once a month.
I have abandonment/rejection issues.
I constantly battle Satan's lies about what I think others think about me.
I mourn friendships that no longer exist.
I want to be an amazing friend.
I get my feelings hurt easily.
I take hurtful words to heart.
I lose my temper frequently.
I can not tell a lie. (seriously I can't)
I sometimes take on a little too many projects at once.
I love pink.
I love to be girly.
I struggle with anxiety/panic attacks and have for over 10 years.
I sometimes walk in a room and have no idea what I am doing in there.
I wish I had embraced my senior year of high school more.
I have really big feet.
I LOVE shoes.
I like to drink wine.
I love time with my girlfriends.
Date nights make me happy.
I secretly want to drive a tank (oops not so secret anymore).
Quiet time with God is hard for me.
I can't stand fake people.
I love my boys (even when they drive me crazy).
I love my husband (even when he drives me crazy).
I sometimes say things I regret.
I love Jesus, and am so thankful for his sacrifice and forgiveness.

*UPDATE* I would like to challenge anyone who reads this to be "real" also. Post your Who Am I? I think we should get a movement started! Letting other women (and men) know that they are not alone, and that the only perfect person is Jesus!

Hallelujah!

I am not sure why, but I feel prompted to share my latest story...

Those that know me, know the first part of my story- For those that don't, here goes...
For the past 3 years I have been suffering from serious anxiety disorder, brought on after the birth of our second child. After 2 years of trying several different medications, and a short time of no medication (during which I had a mini breakdown), I have been doing really well on one medication for over a year now. I am choosing not to name the medication, because I do not want someone to read this and think that this is right for them, because believe me-I soooo wish that the meds that worked for my friends right away, had worked for me right away!

Anyway, during the past several years, God has really been working on me-1st through a Bible study called Breaking Free by Beth Moore. During this study, He worked on my anger and rage fits that I would have. He let me know that this was bondage from Satan, and that by God's truth He would set me free! Good news! This is not a problem I deal with daily anymore! Now, that is not to say that I don't lose my temper from time to time, but I am now armed with God's truth to battle Satan when he tries to tell me lies!

The next thing God has been working through in my life, is my fear of abandonment. Now some of you know my story in this, my real dad has been in and out of my life all my life. Tons of lies, disappointment, etc. That is a whole 'nother post in itself! But, because of this and other things, I live in fear daily that all things will be taken away from me. Something that not everyone knows about this part of my life, is that daily and I do mean daily I would wake up and think "Is this the day? Is today the day that my husband is gonna leave me? Is this the day that my kids are going to die or be taken away? Is this the day that all my friends are going to turn on me and stop taking my calls? Is this the day? This was a deep rooted fear that no matter how much Jason told me he loved me, I truly believed that he would not stick around. I truly believed that I did not deserve to be happy. I truly believed that God was perfectly able to take care of everyone else, but not me. Not because He wasn't able, but because I didn't deserve it. This was a huge lie from Satan and the pit of hell that he lives in!

Let me say that again, All of these things I believed were LIES huge Lies that are a bunch of bunk! Our God doesn't want us to live in fear, Our God doesn't want us to be alone! Our God is Almighty, All Powerful, All Loving, and many other all things!

This summer I led a book study in my home called In My Father's House: Women Relating to God as Father. This short 6 week study did wonders for me. It helped me to remember to bring it all to God. My joy, my sadness, my worries, my fears, my anger, my everything. For that is what He is, my everything! During the 5th week of this study, I was to write a letter, a letter to my father. (Panic set in) In this letter, I was to include general and specific themes and instances that I held on to. Then I was to write what these experiences had on my life...example "I am constantly afraid of abandonment-since you left me." Next step, forgive your father. Write a letter forgiving him for all of these things. (Shear panic now) During this, I was to recognize that he needs Fathering too and to release him from the responsibility of being a perfect father to me. Only God is The Perfect Father. Close and sign the letter. (Pure Panic at this point thinking-Oh no, am I supposed to mail this?) Then I was to read the letter out loud or to a trusted friend (Thank You Jennifer!) and ask her to pray for me as I live out my forgiveness, and to pray for my healing. Final step: Cancel the debt: Write CANCELED in large letters across the paper. Then burn the letter or rip it into small pieces and throw it away. WOW!

Now, over the past few months, I have totally realized that this debt was canceled, just as God canceled my debt through the death of his son Jesus Christ. The next step of this assignment was to remember that the debt has been canceled. Because from time to time the lie would sneak in that this wasn't true, but I had to make a conscious effort to remind myself that God forgives all, and His truth told me that it was canceled!

Something that I just realized for the first time the other day, months later is that I no longer wake up in fear-I no longer wake up and think is this the day. Hallelujah! There is freedom in Christ! I no longer have visions (or daydreams) throughout the day that all my family just died in a car wreck, etc. Now does this mean that it won't happen. No, it could. Anything could happen, but I am choosing not to worry about what I cannot control. God is in control. Only He knows the future. Perfect example, I chose the other day, not to worry about who was going to win the election. No matter what, God is in control. No matter what, God will protect his children. No matter what, I will one day be dancing gloriously with our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ! Again, Hallelujah!

Now, to finish this post, I want to let you know that my anxiety is also getting way better. Yes, I am still on meds, but before even with medication, I had serious struggles. I am no longer thinking all day that I can't do anything right, that there is no way I will ever be a good mom, that I just can't do it, that I have to do everything! I am realizing to take things day by day, and that what matters most is my family, and what I am pouring into them. Not how many things I attend, or how many good things I do. Do I still get a little anxious, a little stressed, sometimes lose my temper? Yes! Especially one week a month! :) But, no one is perfect, and God forgives, and God loves, and God picks us up when we are down, and God is our strength when we are weak. I love our God!