I Don't Want To!!!!!

This is how I feel right now about a decision I need to make. If you are a follower here, you probably know the battle I have had with anxiety/anger. Since my youngest was born (6.5 years ago), I struggled with severe anxiety and panic attacks. About 2 years ago I was able to stop taking medication. Yay! But, now It's Baaack!

I have been struggling with this decision for a few months now, secretly hoping it would go away on it's own. I am crying as I write this post, because I simply don't want to be on medication. I really don't, and I don't know why. The medicine itself really does help. I think that in my mind I feel that if I have to take meds then I am a failure who can't handle something so simple as my own emotions on my own.

But, right now, everything annoys me, every little thing the kids do stresses me out. You see, with my anxiety comes anger, and boy does it ever come on strong! Have you seen The Hulk? I hate it, I hate who I am when I get that way. But there's just something about the thought of being on medicine that makes me sad. Because by the looks of it, I'm probably going to have to be on it FOREVER. :(

Please pray with me, pray that I can be ok with this decision, pray that getting back on meds won't be as horrible as it was before. (I literally went through 6 different meds in 6 months when they were trying to figure me out). Thank you

Sorry my first post in many months is so depressing. :)