Saturday, October 31, 2009


Sometimes you just need to cry. That was today for me. No, not cry, wail. I received some news today that made me very sad. My grandmother on my dad's side passed away about 2 weeks ago. Now although I had not seen her in a few years, I still send cards, and receive letters from time to time. So when finding out today, I was very sad.

Sad because my Nani had passed, and sad because I had to find out on my own. No one contacted me, I found it on the internet. For those of you that don't know, my dad and I do not have a relationship, he does not want me. I have been dealing with this for years. Last summer, I was finally able to move on. I know that my heavenly father wants me. I know that He loves me unconditionally, and would never leave me. I know that I am accepted by Him.

But today, it hurts again. Really, really bad. I want to curl up in a ball and stay there for a long time. I want to call him and shout "How could you not tell me?" "How can you not love someone that is a part of you?" "How could you break promises all my life?" While reading the obituary, something stood out..."She is survived by son....of weatherford, daughter ...of Austin....and she will be missed by 2 long time friends that she shared a birthday with." Notice anything (or anyone)missing? Apparently according to the weatherford newspaper, I do not exist.

This makes me wonder, has he completely erased me from his memory? Is that possible? And if so, how can he sleep at night? I don't know these answers, and as my friend Suzie put it, I probably won't know them this side of heaven. But I do know that I do exist, my Father created me and had a plan for me. And no deadbeat dad can take that away from me!(Thanks Tab)

I am so thankful for my wonderful, praying friends that got me through today! Thank you all sooo much!


Ashley McSpadden said...

Amber, I'm so sorry that you have to deal with your heart, you know that your Nani loved you very much no matter what a paper says. All that I can say about your father is that he is really missing out on what a great daughter he has. It truly is HIS loss...and if he can't see that, then he doesn't need to be any part of your life anyway. Love you and keep your chin up!!

Jara said...

I agree with Ashley, all you can do is keep praying that someday God will change your father's heart and help him to see what all he's missed out on! Until then, you have a better father - a heavenly father who loved you so much he gave his whole life for you!!!! Blessings and prayers!!!