18 years ago I was 20 years old, about to be 21. Working in bars as a waitress and sometimes bartender. Barely making it day to day. I was single. I had turned from God and his path for me. I was sexually active. I was pregnant. I had an abortion. Some of you probably already know my story. The abortion was something I chose to do. I am to blame for my final choices. But, with all the stuff in the news lately, and how everyone is picking a side, pro-life or pro-choice, I feel as though this post is long overdue. I miss my baby. I regret my choices. Everyday. I have since dealt with this with God, I know I am forgiven. I know that every time I feel guilt and hear voices reminding me that I am a murderer, I fully know now that this is Satan. The author of lies.
Thankfully, I came back to God several years after this. Looking back, he has saved me and my life over and over. There are so many times that I have done so many stupid things, that it is truly a miracle I am still alive or not in jail. I heard today that in the last 13 years, there have been over one million abortions in Texas alone. This makes me so sad, sad for all the babies that didn't get to take a breath here on Earth. Even more so, I am sad for all the women/girls that are having to live with their choices EVERYDAY. Because, just as I was lied to, I am sure they were too.
When I say "lied to", I mean in the omission sense. When I went to Planned Parenthood, and then the abortion center, no one ever told me that I would have regrets later. No one ever told me that I would go through post-partum and have crazy hormone issues months later. No one really went over my other options with me. No one told me I was killing my baby. My first child. No one told me that even 18 years later, I would grieve for a child I had never met. I'm not trying to place blame on others, I just think about all the other women that have been and will be in my position. And I grieve for them. I pray for them. I pray that God will put someone in their life that will show them they are still loved. God still loves them. They can be accepted and redeemed.
This year, my child would be 17. This year, my child would be starting their senior year in high school. We could be touring colleges together. Planning for all the "lasts" and "firsts" of their life. Picking out clothes for senior pictures. Starting to date. Planning for prom night. Thank you Jesus for being with my baby all these years that I have not.
I pray that if you are reading this and you have had an abortion, that you will know that you too can be forgiven. God loves you and wants you to come to Him. To lay it at His feet. Over the past several years, I have been lead by some amazing women of God through healing and deliverance from this bondage that I have carried with me for so many years. God knows how much we can handle at a time. He allowed me to weed through my bondage at different times. Giving me insights to the next step. About a little over a year ago, He encouraged me to name my baby, to fully grieve for the human she was. Now, you may think "that's weird", cause I sure did! But, in time God kept leading me to this step in my healing. I prayed that He would give me the name meant for my baby.
I can't wait for the day that I will get to meet my precious Grace. Until then, I know that she is with her heavenly Father who loves her more than I ever could. And more than I could ever understand.
Please do not hesitate to contact me if you need to talk. Or if you are in a situation where you need help. Or if you would just like prayer. I understand, and I will pray for you. Not only will I pray for you, but I know several women who will storm the gates of hell for you! I encourage your comments.
"For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place,
when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
Your eyes saw my unformed body;
all the days ordained for me were written in your book
before one of them came to be.
How precious to me are your thoughts, God!
How vast is the sum of them!
Were I to count them,
they would outnumber the grains of sand—
when I awake, I am still with you.
If only you, God, would slay the wicked!
Away from me, you who are bloodthirsty!
They speak of you with evil intent;
your adversaries misuse your name.
Do I not hate those who hate you, Lord,
and abhor those who are in rebellion against you?
I have nothing but hatred for them;
I count them my enemies.
Search me, God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts.
See if there is any offensive way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting." Psalm 139:13-24
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